Had plans to go to dinner with my mom, aunt, and uncle last night and it took us forever to decide on a place. Finally we came to a decision, and what do we see when we walk into the door of the restaurant? A girl having her baby shower for her baby girl. Opening presents. Balloons and decorations. Smiles all around the table. My heart sank. My aunt chose a table in the back, but I should have just walked out the door then and there. I sat down and immediately got up to go to the bathroom and cry. I took 10 minutes or so try and compose myself, but shortly after I sat down at the table again I lost my appetite and started bawling and I fell apart and I left the reataurant. They took me home.

I should be helping to plan my baby shower, I should be picking out all of your things. I shouldn’t have to be grieving this devastating heart wrenching life altering loss of my baby girl whom I love so dearly. Why did this have to happen? I can understand why the Jewish religion doesn’t do baby showers, I understand the superstition all around it. I was so guarded about you at first Noa, we didn’t even announce our pregnancy with you until I was 19 weeks along after the anatomy scan confirmed you were perfect and healthy and normal. After that good news, I felt “safe” to announce you to the world, we were just so excited about you, Noa! We also found out that you were a little girl at that appointment, we were so excited! And we knew we could use the name Noa that we both loved so much for a baby girl, it’s a name I’ve always loved!

Now I know that there’s no such thing as “safe.” I know that anything could happen, at any time, and it’s beyond my control. I have no control over anything. I feel powerless, like I’m just a pawn in this life. I don’t know why G-d took you from us. I don’t know why we have to suffer every day over your loss. It’s so hard Noa, so so hard. But there is still joy, when I look at our pictures of your perfect little face.  Dad and I laugh together over this one picture of you, my favorite, because it’s just plain old ridiculous how cute your face is!!! So yes, there is joy amidst all the pain. I am so blessed to have been able to hold you and cradle you for those 18 hours after delivery. We have those memories forever. Those memories are all we have left, baby Noa. It’s not enough, it’s not even close, but it will have to be because G-d didn’t give us a choice. He took you from us and we’ll never find out why so long as we are alive on this earth, in this body, in this form. We pray one day we will see you again and understand why this happened, why you died, why you were taken from us before we even got to hold you.

My pain over seeing that girl having her baby shower was a painful reminder of all I will miss out on with you.  Dressing you, diapering you, feeding you, comforting you when you cry, falling asleep with you, waking up to you, seeing your first smile, hearing your first laugh, watching you fall head over heels in love with your wonderful daddy (Noa, one day soon I will dedicate a post to telling you about your daddy and how much he loves you and what a wonderful man he is! He is my strength through this and he is the reason why I put one foot in front of the other on days when I can hardly breathe because I feel so suffocated by my grief.)

It would be easy to wish this never happened, that I never got pregnant with you, but I don’t wish that at all. Can you imagine a love so strong that it makes all the pain and suffering worth it? I would rather know you in the way that I did, for the short time I did, than not know you at all. You have brought so much joy into my life! You have opened my eyes to what it means to love someone! Your dad says I am different person since you, he says I’ve changed for the better and he loves me more now. I love him more now, too. My days are hard, and they often seem meaningless and empty, but I just have to remind myself that my pain and suffering are worth it because I got to have you and love you, and I always will. There is nothing that can ever take that away from me, from us.