Dad and I put together your photo album yesterday. You are so beautiful. Then we watched a very sad movie last night about a woman who has a stillbirth at full term. I could barely handle some of the scenes, it was almost like an exact snapshot of my life. Everything, from the doctor appointment during which there’s no heartbeat detected, to the emotional agony of the delivery, to the silence right at birth (where was your cry?), the photos and the tears afterward, and then the after struggle with all the grief and hollow feelings…. the rest of our lives. The times when everyone else seems to forget and move on, except for us. When others will catch me laugh or smile, and hold onto that and take it for a sign that I am better, that everything is ok, when it’s not at all.

We have to keep going, mostly for each other. I say and think often that if it wasn’t for your dad I would not be here, alive today. The times when he is gone at work at the hardest times for me. I feel like nobody else understands me right now. It’s the grief, but it’s also so much more than that. We are going through what is undoubtedly the hardest time in either of our lives up until this point. Life has been a complete wreck for both of us this year, and I was looking forward to meeting you and being your mommy. I did meet you, and I will always be your mommy, just not in the way I’d like. It’s a very hard time for us, and we miss you so much. My heart is broken, and it’s hard to feel hopeful about anything anymore without you to look forward to. I pray for better days ahead. I know you’re watching over us.