july 1, 2016

Your birthday. A whole year. I worked a full day today, taking care of other people, but just one year ago people were taking care of me, of us. I kept it together and ate dinner and watched tv when I got home. Then I went to bed and let myself look at your pictures, knowing I would give myself this time tonight to grieve, when I was alone and finished with the motions of my day. I started with the time hop pictures on my phone. First thing that came up was the video we made. We just admired you, your hair, eyelashes, fingernails, your perfection. Then the photos. Then I went to sit in the closet and I opened your box, I went through all of your things. The first thing I did was smell your blanket and your hat. Your hat STILL smells like you! I couldn’t believe it! The blanket still has stains from delivery, it was the first blanket you used. The hospital ID wrist bands. The card with your measurements… 375 grams (that’s 0.826 pounds) and 12 inches long! The measuring tape that tiffaney used to measure you. Your hand prints, your foot prints, a mold of your feet. And the photo album. I just can’t believe how cute you were in these photos! We have always loved you and missed you like nobody could ever imagine. You are my first borne child and I will love you forever. Today is very special. Happy birthday, sweet Noa. I hope your Heaven is perfect. Just like you